The Latina Empress
Lately I've come through some stressful times. I recently overcame some minor depression, as I have many times in my life. The self pity and loathing that generally comes with it is harder on me than the biological warfare my body experiences. Its nothing very serious and usually has to do with lack of sleep or dehydration. (She typed as she guzzled her coffee) I knew it was getting a little serious when my sister Johanna called me to see how I was doing. She alerted me to the fact that I didn't seem well and I was leaving my stank all over social media. She offered her advice and her psych background and thought maybe I should consider taking it easy. I insisted I could do no such thing. And that I had to make 2018 my year. That I was tired of seeing others succeed and wonder when my time would come.
I realized that she was right about a week later, when I was so ragged and run down that I missed my mother's birthday party. I only showed up to drop gifts and then made it about how tired I was. Instead of embracing my mom and celebrating her birthday, I played the pity card. Oh, Jihan. I don't want to make this about public humiliation or shame myself for trying to improve my business. That's not what this is at all. I just want to illustrate that sometimes we think we have to, have to, have to.
At the party, I could see it in their faces. My appearance was alarming. I looked tired, haggard and it took all my energy not to break down and cry in front of all of them. I want to laugh about it now. But it wasn't very funny at the time.
I went home and cried and got a little drunk on a double shot of vodka and soda. I told myself that I had to push so hard to make up for lost time. For the three years I sat on my business while being pregnant and then raising up my baby.
But really, what time was lost? Times when I went to the park with my daughter. Or cuddled on the couch with my hubby watching his imaginary girlfriend, Scarlett Johanssen kick ass while secretly hiding a major girl crush. The only time that I have lost, is the time I didn't take to embrace myself more. To accept the process and realize its probably going to be a very long term goal and not an overnight success. I thought, that if I wanted to be successful I had to have tunnel vision and focus on it until it was done. I just told myself, "If you have to sacrifice fun times than you have to and people should just get it."
All my life I've been the person that left school, projects and goals unaccomplished. I was always so full of potential and excuses. So I was adamant that this time, I would finish. My"lacking" mindset had started to run the show. The "be proud of me, be proud of me, be proud of me" started kicking in. I wanted so badly to be enough. I overcompensated and lost my balance.
Fast forward to two weeks later. What has changed so drastically? Manic episode? No. Not at all. I had a good cry the day of my mom's party. Got a mini hangover that night. Realized that this was an unhealthy and unsustainable. If there is a woman that can work as hard as I was on two hours of sleep and be beautiful and happy....what planet is she from? Who say's I have to do it all in a month or even a year?!!
But what happened when I talked to my husband was, that I finally gave birth to my fears. FEARS?! How does giving into fear make you stronger? Well, I just spoke it out loud all the things that run in my head about myself. All the things I imagine people, mostly family, think of me. And finally after really getting it all out I felt like I had named my demon. I wasn't holding my shame or secrets. I was no longer held hostage by the secret fears that trampled all over me for so long. I'm trying not to cry in front of these baristas here. F it. (puts her shades on) I held beliefs that had no relevance anymore. I wasn't 5, 10 or 15 years old anymore. Heck, I'm not even 25!
So truly a seed was planted in these past couple dark weeks. Unaware of what God had planned for me. I struggled through it and made it out the other side. I wasn't just giving birth to the muck. I was giving birth to a new Jihan. I can't tell you how good it feels! To finally feel this new sensation.
I've been on this earth for 37 years and this is the first time in my life that I am experiencing this in a truly genuine way. And its coming from me, not a relationship or some outside influence. I finally have Confidence!
Confidence in my ability and belief in dreams. I'm learning to give myself a break. To give time to myself. Live a balanced life. To applaud other's successes. To embrace challenges. To be a better mom because she get's bigger everyday. To appreciate those in my path and of course to shower. HELLO SELF LOVE. SELF AWARENESS. GOODBYE SHADE. GOODBYE EXCUSES. GOODBYE COMPARISONS. GOODBYE UNHEALTHY COMPETITION. GOODBYE DEMONS. GOODBYE BROKEN JIHAN.
HELLO EMPRESS JIHAN.